SO EMOTIONAL

Have you ever wondered, “Why do I have such a hard time understanding my own feelings?” or maybe you've thought, “I feel so guilty or frustrated with myself when I'm upset and get out of control”? If so, today’s talk may be exactly what you need.

Throughout life, there are countless moments when emotions can passionately take over, leading to regrettable consequences. I Imagine a high-stakes meeting at work where, frustrated by a colleague’s comment, you lash out impulsively, damaging a carefully built professional relationship. Or perhaps in a close relationship, a minor disagreement spirals into an intense argument, driven by anger or hurt that causes you to say things you don’t mean, leaving a lasting wound. In parenting, too, moments of exhaustion and stress can build up until one seemingly small outburst makes you snap at a child, planting seeds of guilt and strain. Even on an ordinary day, a traffic jam or delay might stir feelings of anxiety or impatience that lead to reckless decisions, ultimately creating more harm. When emotions take control, they have the power to cloud judgment, break trust, and lead to consequences that can affect one’s career, relationships, and even self-esteem. These situations remind us how essential it is to develop emotional regulation skills, so that in life’s toughest moments, we can respond thoughtfully, protecting both ourselves and the connections that matter most to us.

From a neurobiological point of view, emotions are complex, adaptive responses that arise from interactions across various brain regions, particularly the limbic system. The amygdala, for example, plays a central role in processing emotional stimuli, especially those associated with fear and threat, while the prefrontal cortex is responsible for modulating these responses, aiding in emotional regulation and decision-making. Other regions, such as the hippocampus, are involved in contextualizing emotions by linking them with memories, helping individuals recognize and respond to familiar emotional cues. These structures work together, with neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin facilitating communication between them, allowing for a nuanced range of emotional experiences that help humans navigate social interactions, adapt to changing environments, and maintain psychological well-being. Emotions are thus rooted in a dynamic brain network that integrates sensory information, past experiences, and environmental context to produce feelings and drive behavior. As long as they're at the right intensity, emotions are a resource evolution has endowed us with, allowing us to deal appropriately with life’s challenges and connect with others. More than that: they can harmoniously integrate with logical and rational choices, allowing for coherent and satisfying decision-making processes.

Many of us, at some point, struggle to name, understand, or control our emotions when facing daily challenges. Whether due to work stress, conflicts at home, or even those small irritations that seem to build up, these emotional outbursts can be potentially destructive and overwhelming.

Yes, “losing it” can be a funny joke at times, but also relatable, because so many of us often feel lost when dealing with our own emotions. So, what exactly is emotional regulation?

It can be defined as our ability to be aware of our emotions, accept them, and respond to them thoughtfully, rather than impulsively. It’s about understanding that emotions are a natural part of being human, and learning to channel them in ways that serve us, rather than harm us. Developing emotional regulation can help us handle tough situations with greater ease, make better decisions, and ultimately lead to a more fulfilling life.

When we talk about "emotional dysregulation," on the other hand, we’re referring to those times when emotions get the better of us—when anger, sadness, or anxiety takes over and causes us to react in ways we later regret. Emotional dysregulation can lead to strained relationships, poor performance at work, and a lower quality of life.

The good news is that emotional regulation is a skill we can learn, and many experts have dedicated themselves to helping us understand and manage our emotions in a healthier, more balanced way.

And here’s the real question: how can we develop our emotional regulation skills and grow in our personal, family, and professional lives? You may be surprised to know that there’s a wealth of strategies available, many of which are backed by scientific research. Psychologists and other mental health professionals like myself even have tests or scales to help you asses how well or badly you’re dealing with your emotions. There is also vast materials to help them, and ultimately yourself, to handle emotions.

Some of the most effective techniques for managing emotions include practicing mindfulness and meditation, which help us stay present and observe our feelings without judgment, giving us the space to choose our response rather than simply reacting. Cognitive reappraisal is another valuable approach; by reframing a situation, we can see it in a more positive or balanced way, which helps to soothe intense emotions. Body-based techniques are also helpful, allowing us to slow down and regain control when emotions begin to escalate. Journaling is a powerful tool as well, as writing about our emotions helps us process them, gain insight, and identify patterns in our behavior. Finally, seeking support from someone we trust, like a therapist or counselor, offers valuable tools and perspectives for managing difficult emotions.

But how can these practices be incorporated into daily life? When emotions start to feel overwhelming, turning to a few simple techniques can bring immediate relief. Begin with mindful breathing: just a few deep breaths — in for four, hold for one, out for six — can calm the body’s stress response. You might then try reframing the situation in your mind by asking if there’s another, more balanced perspective, as though you were giving advice to a friend. For deeper relaxation, progressive muscle relaxation is helpful; tense and release each muscle group from head to toe, feeling the relaxation wash over you. Finally, a grounding exercise like identifying five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one you can taste is a powerful way to focus on the present moment and regain control. With simple tools like these, emotions become easier to manage, helping us stay grounded and more resilient in challenging moments.

I know it isn’t that easy, but Eastern traditions like yoga and some religions offer five steps to achieve self-control, which are incredibly similar to what contemporary psychology proposes: 1. Become aware of the emergence of the emotion that can lead us to irritation or anger; 2. Recognize that we are the creators of our emotions, not someone or something else; 3. Fully accept the presence of the emotion, without resisting it; 4. Detach from the emotion, allowing it to dissolve and lose its strength; 5. Turn our attention to the center of ourselves, where peace and inner strength reside.

As we work on these skills, we start to build resilience. Emotions are not our enemies; they’re part of what makes us human, enriching our lives and connecting us with others. Our goal is not to eliminate emotions but to make them work for us, guiding us toward healthier relationships and a deeper sense of fulfillment.

My reading recommendations for therapists include The Handbook of Emotions, edited by Lisa Barrett, and Emotional Regulation in Psychotherapy: A Practitioner’s Guide by Robert Leahy. There’s also excellent reading material for patients, including Permission to Feel: Unlocking the Power of Emotions to Help Our Kids, Ourselves, and Our Society Thrive by Marc Brackett, Don’t Believe Everything You Feel: A CBT Workbook to Identify Your Emotional Schemas and Find Freedom from Anxiety and Depression by Robert Leahy, The Compassionate Mind Approach to Difficult Emotions: Using Compassion Focused Therapy by Chris Irons, and How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain by Lisa Barrett.

As you take this journey, remember: “The strongest people are not those who show strength in front of us, but those who win battles we know nothing about” (Jonathan Harnisch). Every small step toward emotional regulation is a victory. So be patient with yourself, and embrace each moment as an opportunity to grow stronger, kinder, and more in control of your own story.

Image source: Cartoon by Pedro Vinício, Nov. 6, 2024. (Translated into English by the author.) Available at: https://cartum.folha.uol.com.br/charges/2024/11/06/pedro-vinicio.shtml